do you want to see a movie where you have no idea what is going on for the first forty-five minutes? jupiter ascending is the film for you! other highlights include:
- a ten minute long spaceship fight with no context or purpose, which destroys a city. “no one will remember” channing tatum growls as they leave the city, as if youtube does not exist
- “here’s a latke for you, bitch”
- someone using a menstrual pad as a bandage by slapping the sticky part onto the wound, leaving the actual blood-absorbing part just kind of…waving around
- actors chewing the scenery so hard i’m surprised beautifully over-constructed bits of space metal aren’t just falling out of their mouths
- a man trying to shoot thousands of bees in the middle of a cornfield
- a gun that makes dog noises. it barks. the gun barks.
- oedipus complexes so beautifully twisted and terrible that you will spend half the movie mouthing “oh my god” to yourself
- related to that, the climactic line of the movie is “i’m not your damn mother,” so take that as you will
- a breathtakingly gorgeous and complex universe used as a background for a romance between woman and a man. granted, the man is a wolf angel. but still.
- I CREATE LIVES……………….
- [whispers] and destroy them
no i’m sorry i have to keep going
- “bees can sense royalty”
- mila kunis having the powerful realization partway through that she is a furry, an epiphany that changes her life
- “i love dogs” she whispers, eyes wide
- SPACE BUREAUCRACY. A MONTAGE THAT IS JUST SPACE BUREAUCRACY. THEY FILL OUT SPACE FORMS. IN SPACE.
- “bees can sense royalty”
- channing tatum, shirtless in the void of space
- a room FILLED WITH CANDLES
soylent greennectar…….is…………….peeeeoplllle- “bees can sense royalty”
- sean bean’s apparent daughter, who shows up onscreen for a minute and a half, leaves to get supplies for dinner, and never comes back
- yeah sean bean is in this too i didn’t believe it either
- “bees can sense royalty”
- a space wedding. it’s just like an earth wedding. BUT IN SPACE
- mila kunis’ character’s name is jupiter
- yes i am dead serious about this
- she spends most of the movie falling
- they really should have called it “jupiter descending” because that’s all she does
- “bees can sense royalty”